I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. & it's not the usual sad love song where he cheated. It was more of a "why do you keep doing what I asked you not to do?" I mean, he & I still hug & kiss. But technically we aren't together. I just don't know if I'm ready to accept the emotional stress that comes along with having a boyfriend. Also I'm going back to Lousiana for the summer, and I won't be back until August, & he's screwing up already. Siiigh.

In other news: I'm planning on finding a summer job. I'm actually looking foward to going back home; although, I'm being "forced against my will." (I'm not really being forced, I'm just talking.)

Also, I'm obsessed with this man:

Yummy (:

Looking foward to FREEDOM! Haha, I'm just blabbing. I had to get that off of my chest. But I love his voice, he can really spit a lyric. Not to mention he has the body of a BEAST <3 Anyway, peace love & happiness. xD

Set my clocks early, cus ya know I'm always late(:

Okay so on Friday, when I was blogging & sitting next to my boyfriend, I was actually sitting in his lap. Nothing bad or anything, he had his arm around me & it was practically a lovey dovey sweet thing. So the chick sitting behind me starts throwing paper balls at me. & I look around & I'm like "What's wrong with you?!" & she goes "Get off his lap, you nasty hoe!" & OMG. I'm not the one to be in any kind of drama. But she (& A LOT of other people) take my kindness for weakness. They assume because I'm so nice, & happy that they can treat/talk to me any kind of way. I was sooo ready to snatch her hair. It was so immature, I don't know this girl, I don't talk to this girl...I was going to hurt her. :/

But, Jalen held me down & he made me calm down before speaking. But I was really mad.

Every time I think about it, I get pissed. I mean, who does stuff like that?

In other news, I cleaned my room. Well, I pretty much purged it. I started at around 12:30 after we just came from church & didn't finish until about 10:30 that night. On top of that, I have two assignments to complete, & a research paper & I'm still not done with my room.

On Saturday, mommy & I went shopping. I did really well. I only spent $45. (: Also, I'm looking to give some of the things I emptied out of my room to some local thrift stores. I have every Seventeen issue from the past two years, some lucky teenager is going to be happy. Lol.

At Target, I got two lovely new journals. Um, I have nothing else to blog about. Please comment.<3

I'll be back later. Peace.

Btw, Happy Easter(:

We made up.

But there are a lot of things I need to start thinking about other than just Jalen. Like my mom says I spend too much time worrying about other things than just myself. Well imaginary people inside my head that I assume read this blog: how can I fix this. . .its like I go too far out my way, as my mom says "in order for people to like me". & I have a hard time accepting that. But, she says its the truth. & you know what they say, Mama knows best.

I love Jalen with all my heart, he's the best thing to ever happen to me, as any young teenager. But there are a lot better things I could be doing. Oh, I found out I'm unable to do cheer :'/. I was so sad & disappointed. I'm actually sitting next to him, right now, in 4th block. He's harassing his friend. He's so silly. Little things like that make my day. (Like, right now, he can't tie a shoe :P) He's the most adorable thing in the world to me. "How you doin', sweety?" Hehe.

Well, I guess I'll take my time, one day at a time, ya know. Well, I'll be on my way. Peace.

Blogger pissin' me off :/

not doin what I want it to do ! D;

Survey 2 ;

r a n d o m n e s s *

r a n d o m
if you had to feed 2O firemen, what would you give them ?: food.
what is karma to you ?: a bee.
how do you picture the end of the world ?: with Jesus.
what do you think your friends/family would say about you at your funeral ?: idk.
how old were you when you received your 1st kiss + where were you ?: 14, by the staircase.
y e s / n o
i hate pet rocks: lol.
i like suprises: sometimes.
i believe in religion: yes.
i have solved rubik`s cube: no.
i walk around while brushing my teeth: no.
i am good at improvising: no.
i think education is a priviledge: yes.
i find many things quite annoying: yes.
i save things: yes.
i am often ashamed of my thoughts: no.
i have done things in the past that i regret: yes.
i get out of bed right after waking up: no.
i have had sea monkies as pets: no.
i never finish many of the things i start: no.
i lose control during arguments: yes.
i hate being photographed: no.
t h i s / t h a t
now / later: now.
either / neither: either.
bored / stressed: both.
horizontal / vertical: vertical ;)
blind / deaf: :(
others / yourself: others. :/
email / letter: both.
! / ?: ! xD;
sun / moon: moon.
i f y o u. . .
could live anywhere in the world, where would you live ?: paris.
could visit any time period, which one would you visit ?: renaissance.
could have been born a different race, which one would you choose ?: hispanic. but i love being black.
were in prison, what would you do ?: break free.
were famous, how would your life be different ?: i'd have 5 story house & like 12 cars & spend my 80th birthday at p. diddy's club ;o
had the power to change 1 thing in the world, what would it be ?: my mom.
had a safe, what would you put in it ?: money.

f i n i s h t h e s e n t a n c e

you feel: sad.
you see: the computer.
you hear: beeping D;
you taste: tasteless gum.
you touch: the keyboard.
you love: Jalen♥
you hate: bugs.
you save: money.
you kick: walls.
you sleep: in a bed.
you always: talk.
you occasionally: dress up.
you never: really care.
you wonder: about alotta things.
you want: Jalen :'(
you lie: to my mom :/
you suffer: a lot.
you fear: bugs, God, loosing Jalen.
you enjoy: writing.
you hope: to be successful.
you underestimate: myself.
you manipulate: my grandmother.
you scream: "Hi AMANDA!"
you forget: stuff.
you suspect: you?
you distrust: haha.
you risk: life.
you maintain: patience.
you are: raven.
r a n d o m . . . s t r i k e s b a c k
what emotion would you like to slap in the face ?: happy go lucky.
what sound drives you crazy ?: THiS DARN BEEPiNG! & the misquito noise.
who is your favorite disney princess ?: Tyana (: & Belle<3
who inspire`s you to create ?: artistssss.
do you change your underwear daily ?: YES!
do you sit on public toilet seats ?: no.
what would you like your tombstone to say ?: idk.
do you realize how much time you waste on these surveys ?: yes. xD
t h e e n d

He's been ignoring me all day

Uhg. This is soooo upsetting. I'm at school & it's second block, I haven't seen or talked to him at all today. I can't believe he's not talking to me. I can't believe I actually have to avoid him like this. What kind of love is that? I know I don't need him. I know that a boy isn't everything, but he is the love of my life. It hurts sooo much to not see his face, or to kiss his lips. At first, it was me wanting to do the breaking up. & now I think he wants to. Idk what to do. He's the love of my life. I love him with all my heart. I know I should focus more on other things, like school, and work, & possible cheerleading. Btw, I still don't know if I'm able to cheer. But you don't get it. At first, I didn't care. I figured we'd be over it by this morning. But he really is avoiding me. This SUCKS. Omg, I wanna break down & cry, but apart of me says that I'm better than that. Wayyy better than that. I'm a young woman. I'm strong, I can do anything & I don't need him to complete me. Life will go on.

Now if only I can say all those things & beleive it. Gotta go.

I'm so sad.

Uhg :/

It all started when I was sucking on Jalen's neck. Then I pulled away & shouted "Haha, you have a hickey!" but I was only joking. & he laughed it off. So I kept going & he enjoyed it, he didn't tell me to stop, so once he did get tired of it, he was like "Okay, enough." & when I pulled away, his skin was red. Then I was really like "Oh, baby look, you do have a hickey." & I smiled. & he's like "Oh." & C* goes "Ohhh, you gotta hickey." & it was all fun & games until I took a picture & showed it to him. Tell me why the child gets upset. :/

All I do is poor myself out to him & all he does is throw it back in my face. I wasn't doing this as a sexual gesture. It was more of an "i love you so much type thing" than anything. I always try to show how much I appreciate him & what do I get in return? A pissed off boyfriend. Lame, right. I know.

I was already kind of upset with the dilemma that I might have broken up with him. But he proved his sincerity, now THIS. He didn't even walk me back to my locker. & after I left my locker he didn't talk to me. So, I left & got on the bus. I figured it'd be pretty childish to not talk to him in the morning, but we'll see. It all depends on his behavior. I'm already fighting that "not getting the emotional spark (anymore)" thing. Siiiigh.

In other news, Monica A.* wouldn't accept my apology. How childish. Obviously, she doesn't care. So why should I? & I talked to Amber*; everything has been worked out. We're back speaking, but we are keeping distance.

Also, I'm interested in trying out for cheer-leading. (: But because of school standards, I may not be able to. I won't know until this afternoon. Peace.

[Edit: Mommy is doing fine, now! :D God is good.]

*names have been changed.

Some thoughts

There's no point in even trying to state an opinion toward my mom. There's also no point in trying to please people in order for them to like me. I'm also getting a "drawing away" vibe when in comes to me & my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart, I'm just not getting the typical excitement anymore. For example, when we kiss, its not as romantic as it was. & we've only been going out for six months. I guess the influence of other couples around me, breaking up is starting to take affect.

I'm also sick of everyone getting worked up over childish things. The thing between Amber & the Monicas have officially been squashed. Just now, when I tried to apologize to Monica A. she refused to talk to me, because of another incident that took place the other day.

But being black & being in the environment of black children, you witness immaturity of others who act as if they must fight, or prove their point by making smart remarks & acts of stuppidy. It's all dumb to me. So what if I caught an attitude with you? It's your fault for talking to me in the first place, when I obviously didn't feel like being bothered. You created that monster. There's the bell. Peace.

Only 5 minutes

I only have five minutes to do this. I may return later. Idk. I'm just bored. . .& confused. & fustrated. No one really knows. If only you can take a walk through my mind. Remember what I said about that girl? (Amber.) Well someone told her that I said my friends & I want to jump her. & now this girl I'm supposedly "cool with" is mad at me for something I said about her boyfriend two months ago. That I admitted he liked me last year, wayyy before they started dating. WHO CARES?! This is SOOOO childish. & frustrating. It's been on my mind all weekend, but my mother has been sick, so I'm hesitant on blog posts. . .she's out of work for like 3 days I think. :(

God, please have Mommy feel better )':

What I don't understand is

How can people manage to be so childish? Or how can people gather thoughts together & have intentionally have negative output. I just don't understand most people.

As a sophomore, it's almost a given that I am to be nice and set examples for those younger than I. Haha! Tell me why: I became friends with a freshman who turned her back on me. So now her & a group of freshman want to come after me & fight. FIST FIGHT.

One: I'm too classy. Two: I'm too pretty =P. & Three: what's fighting going to solve. Okay, we get rowdy in the hallway (or wherever the scene shall take place), we yell & cuss at each other for a minute, someone throws a punch, security comes & escorts us to the office, they call our mama's, we get suspended for about a week, then we come back to school. What are we supposed to do after that? Hate each other for the rest of high school? I think not.

Usually, I'm not the one to be bothered with these types of things. I usually brush them off my shoulder. I'm not giving out any names, but technically it is my fault for saying what I said. Even if I was joking. Let's just say, I said something about Monica* to Amber*. Amber & I went at it for 3 days about Monica. At the end: Monica ended up being another Monica (they have the same name, so I was talking about someone COMPLETELY different.). So now, Amber, Monica A., & Monica B. hate me & now want to fight. Sounds confusing right? Catch this: what I said just so happens to apply to both of them. HA. Who would've thought. Little 'ol me. I don't mess with anybody. I'm not one to get mad, I'm not one to curse & I'm sho' 'nuff not one to fight. I have better things to devote my time to.

So now, I'm stuck. I guess I'll ignore them for the rest of high school. (Hardy, har, aren't I funny. That's definitely NOT happening.) I know one of them is going to try to start something. But I'm over it, I've washed my hands with Person A. Some people just don't understand, & when they look back at it, they'll realize how imature it is to get worked up over something so unworth it. All because lil' 'ol Raven had a misunderstanding.

Haha, so funny. But Mommy says I let people push my buttons. Mrs. Tony said to me "He who angers you controls you." & this is a conversation I had with a boy named Dion*

Dion: (after I told him the story.) You letting her push your buttons.
Me: I know & she knows exactly what buttons to push.
Dion: Then don't have buttons.

That cut me like a two hand sword. It hit me SO deep. & I've been repeating it to myself all day. Because it's true, those buttons are mine. & I shouldn't let Amber &/or the Monica's get to me. Oh well. Lesson surely learned. Mama say to keep yo' mouth shut. This is what I get for not listening.

Mane, I need a twix. :P

* names have been changed.