Uhg :/

It all started when I was sucking on Jalen's neck. Then I pulled away & shouted "Haha, you have a hickey!" but I was only joking. & he laughed it off. So I kept going & he enjoyed it, he didn't tell me to stop, so once he did get tired of it, he was like "Okay, enough." & when I pulled away, his skin was red. Then I was really like "Oh, baby look, you do have a hickey." & I smiled. & he's like "Oh." & C* goes "Ohhh, you gotta hickey." & it was all fun & games until I took a picture & showed it to him. Tell me why the child gets upset. :/

All I do is poor myself out to him & all he does is throw it back in my face. I wasn't doing this as a sexual gesture. It was more of an "i love you so much type thing" than anything. I always try to show how much I appreciate him & what do I get in return? A pissed off boyfriend. Lame, right. I know.

I was already kind of upset with the dilemma that I might have broken up with him. But he proved his sincerity, now THIS. He didn't even walk me back to my locker. & after I left my locker he didn't talk to me. So, I left & got on the bus. I figured it'd be pretty childish to not talk to him in the morning, but we'll see. It all depends on his behavior. I'm already fighting that "not getting the emotional spark (anymore)" thing. Siiiigh.

In other news, Monica A.* wouldn't accept my apology. How childish. Obviously, she doesn't care. So why should I? & I talked to Amber*; everything has been worked out. We're back speaking, but we are keeping distance.

Also, I'm interested in trying out for cheer-leading. (: But because of school standards, I may not be able to. I won't know until this afternoon. Peace.

[Edit: Mommy is doing fine, now! :D God is good.]

*names have been changed.

Some thoughts

There's no point in even trying to state an opinion toward my mom. There's also no point in trying to please people in order for them to like me. I'm also getting a "drawing away" vibe when in comes to me & my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart, I'm just not getting the typical excitement anymore. For example, when we kiss, its not as romantic as it was. & we've only been going out for six months. I guess the influence of other couples around me, breaking up is starting to take affect.

I'm also sick of everyone getting worked up over childish things. The thing between Amber & the Monicas have officially been squashed. Just now, when I tried to apologize to Monica A. she refused to talk to me, because of another incident that took place the other day.

But being black & being in the environment of black children, you witness immaturity of others who act as if they must fight, or prove their point by making smart remarks & acts of stuppidy. It's all dumb to me. So what if I caught an attitude with you? It's your fault for talking to me in the first place, when I obviously didn't feel like being bothered. You created that monster. There's the bell. Peace.

Only 5 minutes

I only have five minutes to do this. I may return later. Idk. I'm just bored. . .& confused. & fustrated. No one really knows. If only you can take a walk through my mind. Remember what I said about that girl? (Amber.) Well someone told her that I said my friends & I want to jump her. & now this girl I'm supposedly "cool with" is mad at me for something I said about her boyfriend two months ago. That I admitted he liked me last year, wayyy before they started dating. WHO CARES?! This is SOOOO childish. & frustrating. It's been on my mind all weekend, but my mother has been sick, so I'm hesitant on blog posts. . .she's out of work for like 3 days I think. :(

God, please have Mommy feel better )':

What I don't understand is

How can people manage to be so childish? Or how can people gather thoughts together & have intentionally have negative output. I just don't understand most people.

As a sophomore, it's almost a given that I am to be nice and set examples for those younger than I. Haha! Tell me why: I became friends with a freshman who turned her back on me. So now her & a group of freshman want to come after me & fight. FIST FIGHT.

One: I'm too classy. Two: I'm too pretty =P. & Three: what's fighting going to solve. Okay, we get rowdy in the hallway (or wherever the scene shall take place), we yell & cuss at each other for a minute, someone throws a punch, security comes & escorts us to the office, they call our mama's, we get suspended for about a week, then we come back to school. What are we supposed to do after that? Hate each other for the rest of high school? I think not.

Usually, I'm not the one to be bothered with these types of things. I usually brush them off my shoulder. I'm not giving out any names, but technically it is my fault for saying what I said. Even if I was joking. Let's just say, I said something about Monica* to Amber*. Amber & I went at it for 3 days about Monica. At the end: Monica ended up being another Monica (they have the same name, so I was talking about someone COMPLETELY different.). So now, Amber, Monica A., & Monica B. hate me & now want to fight. Sounds confusing right? Catch this: what I said just so happens to apply to both of them. HA. Who would've thought. Little 'ol me. I don't mess with anybody. I'm not one to get mad, I'm not one to curse & I'm sho' 'nuff not one to fight. I have better things to devote my time to.

So now, I'm stuck. I guess I'll ignore them for the rest of high school. (Hardy, har, aren't I funny. That's definitely NOT happening.) I know one of them is going to try to start something. But I'm over it, I've washed my hands with Person A. Some people just don't understand, & when they look back at it, they'll realize how imature it is to get worked up over something so unworth it. All because lil' 'ol Raven had a misunderstanding.

Haha, so funny. But Mommy says I let people push my buttons. Mrs. Tony said to me "He who angers you controls you." & this is a conversation I had with a boy named Dion*

Dion: (after I told him the story.) You letting her push your buttons.
Me: I know & she knows exactly what buttons to push.
Dion: Then don't have buttons.

That cut me like a two hand sword. It hit me SO deep. & I've been repeating it to myself all day. Because it's true, those buttons are mine. & I shouldn't let Amber &/or the Monica's get to me. Oh well. Lesson surely learned. Mama say to keep yo' mouth shut. This is what I get for not listening.

Mane, I need a twix. :P

* names have been changed.

First Post

I've decided to create a blog to release my wasted unshared thoughts. This blog isn't private, but I won't give the link out to anyone I know. I don't know who you are, & I'm sure you don't know me either. But this is my space. My rules. & what I say goes. If you find anything offensive, I don't care. If you do consider reading my blog, knock yourself out. But PLEASE don't leave at first without commenting. I'm so glad to finally have some space on the web (:. Enjoy people.